That's Dope

I recently received a diagnosis of ADHD and my life is forever changed.

I have always felt like I am expanding infinitely outward, incapable of stopping or staying still. I cycle through my hobbies, like the seasons, and I want to keep moving and adding more and more projects to my ever-expanding universe.

I compare myself to someone like my partner, who is focused. He has many interests but only one hobby, one passion, and he pours his all into this one fixed thing. I envy his ability to find renewed interest in his hobby repeatedly.

I want to do all the things all the time. But that isn't true either. I really want to do everything I find interesting all the time, and boy, do I see many exciting things...until I don't. I currently have fifteent different things on the go, with another five in the forefront of my brain. But even this isn't exactly true. All of my varied projects seem to meld into one another, merging into a more significant purpose: creativity. I have this need, this ever-present desire to create and to nourish the creative fire inside me. I want to do all of the things that I can to help bring the creative visions in my brain to life and have so many ideas that try desperately to burst for into existence. Perhaps my sacral chakra is in overdrive. Maybe I’m just full of shit.

But it's hard. I don't say this out of self-pity; I mean, it is genuinely challenging to translate what I see in my brain into a language that is sustainable and shareable. There is also the matter of taking on too much. This can be especially challenging when you’re self employed. A good example is my podcast. I absolutely love recording and sharing knowledge through this medium, but I had so much else on the go that I neglected my listeners. I’m only now returning to a regular upload schedule.

Something has shifted however, and I'm certain the reason is the ADHD diagnosis. This diagnosis was confirmation that its not In my head, there is a genuine reason for some of my peculiarities. As a result I am finally starting to slow, and maybe I am no longer expanding.

When I noticed I was slowing down and expanding less, I also noticed that I was also shrinking. It's not a significant regression, but I am starting to feel a tug back. I wonder, is this what growth feels like?

A fellow yoga therapist I follow on Instagram posted a couple of photos the other day that really made me pause and reflect. She is ultimately the reason I'm even writing on this topic. She is quiet and humble and not particularly complicated. I don't mean that in an unkind way; I mean that she enjoys simple things and lives a simple life. She has hobbies and is very interesting, but her life isn't crowded.

As I looked at her post I felt a funny sort of falling feeling and I realized that my life was crowded. I have so many different hobbies, interests, projects, wants, needs, and goals going on at once. I realized that I am not expanding; I am being pulled apart from the inside out.

I'm being shredded into ribbons by this ever-present need for dopamine, and it is time for a change.